sneakersmartinisandsequins

So it’s been a while since we talked and quite a bit has happened.

I became a citizen here in Aus, burnt out, bought a house and got an ADHD diagnosis. Just a bit then.

Let’s concentrate on the spicy brain one. Took me a while to work through the ADHD thing. My diagnosis 2 years ago at age 45 was a huge aha moment that explained a lot, and probably not that surprising really. In the next generation of my family there are four diagnosed neurodiverse kids. As this is hereditary you all know I can’t be the only one. It’s weird, once you know you start seeing the traits in others, but I’m pointing no fingers and naming no names.

I have the fun combined presentation so I’m both inattentive and hyperactive, but for me that presents more as a very busy mind that’s difficult to switch off. Basically there are monkeys in my head making all the decisions and going off on tangents.

Let’s face it there were signs. Many a school report calling me a chatter box or a day dreamer, a natural level of intelligence that got me so far through school and the ability to make people laugh as a defence mechanism from the arsehole bullies. You could say I was a slightly weird fun kid until middle school when I learnt pretty quickly how to mask.

We also now know that there was no way mine was getting picked up in a local comprehensive school in England in the 80s and 90s. Then it was just the annoying boys who couldn’t sit still that got the diagnosis and the fun legal drugs.

Then a total failure of exams at age 18 so no University for me. Literally barely studied, couldn’t seem to focus on it. All the other earlier exams had coursework, which if I was interested I could nail. Not stupid A levels though, just a two hour exam to decide which way your life goes next. No pressure then!! Also such a huge fear of failure and worry about what people thought of me. Learnt that’s a lovely thing called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) which means real or even perceived rejection or criticism can lead to severe emotional and physical pain, hello stomach cramps. This is also linked to depression and anxiety. Ah anxiety my old friend, making me panic and overthink since 1991. Seriously people WTF!!

I’ve also lived in three different cities across two continents, have lived in no less than 15 different flats and houses, and probably moved about 18 times. Never quite sure why when I’d fully finished making each place perfect I still felt unsettled and kept moving on. (Currently thinking about moving again next year, oh god).

I also never realised that watching the same TV programs and reading the same books over and over again as they were safe and being scared of certain foods in case they choked me (hello teenage eating disorder) was a bit weird. Also some extreme multilayered intense daydreaming that can make reality a bit boring.

Look it’s not all bad. I made it this far, got a great job. Basically without realising it found the perfect fit of a job which constantly changes and challenges and bought me to a different country. I always talk about wanting to be bored sometimes and the constant busyness is exhausting. But I know without the challenge and being occupied all the time the monkeys in my brain would start a knife fight to keep themselves entertained.

People call it a superpower, I’m not sure about that one. The amazing overthinking woman, she’ll save you once she’s gone through every scenario about 15 times and probably done a spreadsheet, oh crap too late.

But there are some pretty cool things, hyperfocus means I can power through work at a superhuman speed. (There’s a chance I might not eat or pee the whole time, but can get a load done). I can often see solutions to things others can’t. I’m pretty empathic (oh god I hope I am, or are people reading this and laughing. Ahhh RSD). I’m pretty much totally me, so what you see is what you get. Total over sharer.

It’s also nice to know that I’m way smarter than I thought, and I have absolutely nothing to prove. Which is a relief as I’ve been trying to prove otherwise since I failed my exams.

There’s probably some stuff about me that you will have to forgive if we’re friends.

I will interrupt you with either a pertinent thought or something totally unrelated. I promise it’s not because I think your points aren’t interesting I have been listening the whole time, I literally can’t help it. I try and hold back but I’ll forget the point if I don’t literally shout it at you the second I think of it. Pointing out that this is annoying or trying to teach me to wait my turn just doesn’t work and will just hurt my feelings. Sorry.

I will look like I’m not paying attention as I doodle or fidget or look over your shoulder as we talk, trust me if I’m doing that I’m totally listening. If I’m trying to actively listen and make constant eye contact I’m thinking about that instead of what you’re saying.

I will either be late or early, on time just doesn’t quite work for me. I always think I have more time, or plan so well I might as well just get there before.

I may never reply to a text, it’s not that I don’t love you or care for you I just don’t have the time or the mental capacity at that point to reply then I forget and it’s 3 weeks later and I’ll see your message again as I go to message you to see why I haven’t heard from you for a while.

When you tell me a really important story, or piece of news and I respond with another story related to it that I’ve experienced I promise I’m not trying to take over I’m not that self centred (I hope), I’m just trying to show you I totally heard you and understood and can relate.

So would my life have been better had I’d known from being a kid? Who bloody knows. Might have been worse!

Might have stopped me from buying those roller skates though, the ones I thought were the best idea ever and I would basically look so cool skating by the beach. Forgot that I’m in my 40s, have no sense of balance and a chronic back problem. Cut to the first time I wore them outside I fell on my arse hitting the ground so hard I gave myself a mild concussion. What a fun new hobby. Why am I like this?! Oh yeah we now know why.

I’ll keep going without meds (thanks COVID, you made everyone crazy so now it’s impossible to find a psychiatrist) and am learning all the time how to find some quiet in my head. There are new pros and cons all the time, and don’t get me wrong my life is pretty good right now. It’s all about peaks and troughs and trying to flatten the waves out just a bit.

I’ve got amazing friends who love me just the way I am, and I realise the way I am is as good as we’re getting so I’m pretty happy with her right now. Do wish she’d put down the chocolate and get her arse back to the gym more often as I want to fit back into my pre Vegas wardrobe!! But one step at a time.

So this was a bit of a heavy one to start back. Promise to lighten things up soon. But wanted to talk about this one as I know lots of people won’t. I’m not ashamed of my neuro spicy brain, we’ll just add it to all the other things that make me interesting as it’s not the only thing.

Let’s face it, I’m a fucking delight! 😜

#adhd #neurodiverse #neurospicy #hopefullystillabitfunny