Do you ever get that feeling that you are an imposter. Just playing at being a grown up. I have a friend back home with a child who for the first few years of his life was sure a grown up would burst in at any moment, demand she give the baby back and stop mucking around. Maybe that’s how everyone feels and some are just better at hiding it. Except those few that have been middle age since birth, these are the ones that probably highlight your lack of maturity.
I sometimes wonder how I know how to do my job. I know I’m a bit of a know it all, can’t seem to help it. But is it cocky to have faith in your own abilities? I suppose it’s how far you take it. I’ve struggled since moving to Aus, the structure and responsibilities of my role have changed. It doesn’t fit quite as well as my job back in the UK, it’s a little tight in the sleeves.
I guess my main problem is I can’t stop telling people what I think. I keep hearing the voice of my teachers. “Not everyone needs to know your opinion Annette!” But I can’t seem to stop sharing it. It’s a compulsion. I am the eternal smart arse. I need one of those face zips, like zippy from rainbow. (Possibly a bit gimp like? No, let’s not ruin another 70s and 80s kids TV show, Bungle was terrifying enough not to mention the parade of peados). The rational part of my brain knows my way isn’t always the best way (or does it? Maybe).
I get nervous before big meetings, I have to explain why I’ve planned a budget the way I have. Justifying every decision I’ve made. As soon as I start talking I feel confident. But there’s always that little voice in my head that feels like that kid who shouldn’t be there. So when I’m challenged I have to stand up for what I’ve done. As if proving that I can be trusted. But it just ends up coming across as being defensive.
I also have real problems letting things go. I have the ability to hold a grudge for eternity. I can’t remember essential information, like people’s Birthdays, that it’s polite to ask people questions about themselves after they’ve asked you, but the fact that someone asked to borrow my bracelet in 1989 and never gave it back will stay with me until the grave.
I think maybe it’s time to just learn to calm down. The fact is I am actually an adult, as much as it might freak me out, is a good reason to. Other people must see me as someone who knows what they are doing?? Well we’ll see how it goes. (I would really like that bracelet back though!)
#sarcasm #smartarse #knowitall #mythoughts