Flying economically.

I think I’m becoming a bit of a master of this. If you choose to live on the other side of the world from your most important people, you need to get good at it. The quickest route from Aus to the UK is still about 24 hours! I’ve now done this return flight 4 times.

I’d be much better at flying first class. Fits in much better with the image I’d like to have of myself. I dream of the fully flat bed. Also getting of the plane as fresh as when you got on would be good. Sunglasses, pashmina and just a small handbag.

As it is I tend to step off looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge, carrying a backpack full of my long haul flight survival kit. I have long since given up the hope of being upgraded, so making an effort to fly is a thing of the past. I’m all about comfort, luckily my trainer addiction means at least my feet look good getting on and off the plane. But during its all about the Uggs. I always pay a bit extra for some leg room, but these exit rows are always freezing!! So I get on in my 2XU leggings, (didn’t use to bother with the compression leggings, until someone pointed out that I really should now I’m middle aged!!! Bastard) trainers, and hoodie. Then once in place trainers off, joggers and uggs on.

So if you really want to sleep you need some extra stuff. Neck pillows look wanky, but really do help. Ear plugs, to block out all the extra noise. Particularly the babies, don’t get me wrong they don’t annoy me. I have too many friends and family with kids to know those poor parents are suffering way more than me. They generally look exhausted and mortified. But the less noise you can hear the better. Then the sleep mask, someone will always open a blind somewhere, or the galley light will be on.

So I am a proper sight on a plane. Blindfold on, hood up, neck pillow around hood, blankets and a scarf. But all of this now means instead of a couple of hours of napping, I can normally get a good 6 hours.

If you’re the first on in your row, there is a fear about who will sit next to you. You pray for no one, but this is a rare occurrence, and definitely not on a pre Christmas flight. As people walk passed checking the row numbers looking for their seats, you casually try to gauge them out of the corner of your eye. The ideal is short skinny people, who won’t try to hog the armrest. You also want them to be friendly enough that they’ll pass stuff along the row to the flight attendant, but not so they actually want to chat. You really don’t want to open that door. I get it, makes me sound totally anti social. But you have to think, you may be stuck with them for 24 hours straight. They could be a total nightmare, and as discussed we have earplugs to block out the noise. We don’t need to be inviting it.

I think of those people up in first sipping champagne at the bar, while I’m back here in a knife fight to see who gets the last kit Kat. Ok maybe it’s not quite as bad as that, but it’s close. It’s really not fare you know. Now I get that I’m incredibly lucky that I can actually fly back and forward. Other people move over and can’t visit home for years. But come on would one little upgrade hurt anyone?

Also jet lag needs to do one. As nice as it is to get some time to myself in the mornings, not being able to keep your eyes open much past 8pm doesn’t do wonders for your social life! Caffeine becomes your best friend, (preferably in a Martini). Also when suffering from jet lag, those people who like to point out that they don’t suffer from it can fuck right off! I mean really, would you tell someone with one arm how brilliant it is that you have two?!!

So listen up Qantas, I’m a loyal flyer. (I love the little snack cupboard at the back). Next time you see my name on the list, I am totally business class worthy xx

If this doesn’t work it’s time for me to invent a good teleportation machine. Surely it can’t be that hard? That bloke from The Fly was so close.

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